Seasonal shift
As I sit here in the gazebo outside my brother’s house, I feel a shift in the seasons. Not necessarily in terms of the seasons of the year, but in regards to my own evolution, my own transition. It’s practically the beginning of summer, (although, not officially until about a week and a half) but I have closed a door to a significantly large area of my life in change of a new path. I accepted a new job at the end of February, meaning, as a teacher, I finished the school year in May and drove away from my decade long career as an elementary school art teacher. While it was what I wanted, it was bittersweet. The bitter taste came from the toxicity I had been experiencing for a while, and the sweet aftertaste came from the relationships I had built. Therefore, I do not regret leaving the familiar for the unknown, however, it does terrify me sometimes. While I’ve never been a great embracer of change, I know its inevitability. My reluctance to open the door to change has always been a severe weakness of mine. I start questioning myself and my motives - are they selfish? are they brash? are they beneficial? As someone who has struggled with self-esteem and confidence throughout my life, I tend to commence the overthinking.
Along with switching jobs, I also published my debut novel, The Keeper, at the end of March. Ever since I was young, I have been a writer. I collected journals in my youth and hand-wrote novels and title ideas I wanted to pursue. Now, I’m 40, and beginning a major shift in my life to manifest all the things I didn’t allow myself to do, didn’t push myself to take charge of, didn’t pursue out of fear and rejection, and didn’t admire about myself for too long. If you really want to know me, it takes time. I have two personas I can take on depending on the level of comfort and trust I place in a relationship. The first persona is the outward, the seemingly outgoing, loud part of myself which takes a level of nervous energy to muster. I find this persona is one people enjoy because its open, responsive, and weirdly attractive. The second persona is my inward, the true introverted, observant part of myself. This is where my most authentic self lies waiting to be seen and heard. If you’re lucky, you get to experience both and will appreciate each moment of transition I may need to go through in order to recuperate, refuel, revitalize, and renew myself. It’s not the two don’t work well together. On the contrary, it enhances each part of my True Nature. They balance each other out well, and I can really become my higher thinking self.
Anyway, book number one. It’s been a HUGE step in my authenticity. I’m finally reaching into who I was always wanting to be as a childling. I can introduce myself at last as an author and artist. The second book (title pending) is coming to fruition. It’s at the stage in which I toil over the 300k+ words I wrote and make sure the concepts work, the plot holes are connecting, and the character arcs are building. Take god it hasn’t taken me 14 years to ensure the second book gets seen. This one I started really writing as the first was beta read by my brother’s fiancé. I know the path the third will trudge, but it’s merely in my head at this time. There will be four books in this series, and the next series will spawn from its completion.
Do I believe it has the potential to be admired? Certainly. Do I believe I can make a career of it? Never hurts to try. Regardless, the mere fact it is out there for anyone to read is the biggest accomplishment thus far, and I hope to continue world-building like its life of death - which in my books, it could very well be.